The only thing I despise more than top five lists are top ten lists. They are so comprehensive and standardized I could puke, but since my vomit cup is currently having a full enzyme wash, I’ll leave it at a dry heave.
Nowadays, it seems like everyone needs their opinions to be guided through lists, structure, and codification (you’ve probably never heard of it). In fact, people talk more about these lists more so than the actual content within the lists although both are equally pointless and full of mainstream propaganda. In a last hurrah against the formulaic agenda of pop culture, I’ve laid out the top five worst top ten lists in no particular order. So really this is just the five most recent lists that I may or may not have found in Idol’s web history.
Top Ten Albums of the Year
Green Day, Taylor Swift, James Blake, Bon Iver, Arcade Fire, Sellout, Sellout, Sellout, and did I forget, sellout? All on various top ten lists. All listened to by way too many people. Where are the West Indies accordion bands? Oklahoma Dervish quartets? Music that won’t want me to gouge my eyes out? Twice. Of course, if those bands did actually show up on these lists, I’d probably add a third gouge for them selling out.
Top Ten Movies of the Year
Movie theaters are already completely overpopulated and oozing with advertisements. Why bother listing films where the watching experience is akin to now waiting in lines at the flea market because that stupid thrift shop song has now made it “cool” to buy used clothing?
On these lists, We of course get the usual six or so Academy clamoring movies so desperate for media and public attention, two or three “surprise” films, and the one film that I walked out only 5 minutes into it. If the movie releases in over 4 theaters, I don’t want to hear about it anymore! Of course, in every magazine from Paste Magazine to Zikkurat Weekly, there has to be one of these lists, and they’re all the same. I haven’t been this flustered since I found out Macaulay Culkin didn’t actually play that spoiled rich kid in Little Rascals. Totally Un-Culkin.
Top Ten Comeback Lists
I don’t need to look over Idol’s comeback list to reassure myself that I don’t care. In fact, not showing up on this list would constitute as being successful. (Unless of course you end up on any other top ten list) The best thing you can do if you don’t appear on this list is stay far away and live a tranquil life eating dairy substitutes and forgetting Jack White’s career after The White Stripes broke up.
Top Ten Fashion Wear of (insert mainstream awards show)
The bottom gutter of lists. Not only is everything hideous, everything’s hideous. Where are the muted, uncomfortable beiges? Where are the Alpacan wool ponchos? Typical.
Top 10 Hipster Words
For the last time, I am not a hipster! Enough!