A Review of Lollapalooza (If I Had Been There)

I was not at Lollapalooza. But luckily for you I still have plenty of strong and extremely accurate opinions to share. I wouldn’t even call them “opinions,” so much as “facts that are true.”



Three-day passes were sold out before the line-up was even announced. What a testament to how blindly the masses will follow what they think is “cool.” Dropping hundred of dollars for a festival before you even know a single artist that is playing? I mean, come on. What if every good artist is unavailable that week and you end up with a three day pass to see a jug band and a choir of handicapped children all weekend? Actually, I wouldn’t mind seeing that. One of my favorite bands is a jug band. You’ve probably never heard of them.



The dance stage was moved across the street, away from the main concourse, a few years ago. I approve of this because I approve of any and all segregation between musical tastes.


The Cure, yes.
Nine Inch Nails, maybe.
Phoenix, no.
The Killers, never.
The Postal Service, once upon a time.
Mumford & Sons, not in a million years.

Perry’s Dance Stage

Techno and Dubstep would have loved it. So how do you THINK I feel about it?

Everything Else I Would Have Hated

The weather because it was probably hot and humid and I don’t do well in humidity. Heat is fine because I rarely expose my forearms or neck, but nobody in their right mind likes humidity.

The crowds, because, if you didn’t already know this, I despise almost all people. Especially people with crappy music tastes, even more so when they are running around flaunting their excitement over said crappy music. I shudder to even think about what the EDM crowd would have been wearing and acting like over at the dance stage.

The prices. Was a bottle of water cheaper than four dollars? I highly doubt it. How much were licensed t-shirts? Less than $20? Probably not.

The space. I’m no expert on Chicago or the layout of the venue, but with so many stages I can only imagine what a schlep it must be from stage to stage. On top of that you’re trekking through the humidity, surrounded by hot, smelly idiots. Not the kind of atmosphere I would subject myself to. I’d rather subject myself to waterboarding.

Alternative Music Festivals I’d Recommend

Anton and Miranda’s Washboard Band Musical Sit-In
Cardboard Days
The Ball Bearing Musical Festival
Kitchen Floor


Mr Harrison’s Good Time Bads playing an amazing set at Kitchen Floor.