Mars Is Too Mainstream
Mars One

Over 100,000 people have applied to be a part of the Mars One Project, which intends to start a colony on Mars by the year 2022. These people have all not only paid an application fee of real money, but they have decided that in 9 years, they want to take a one-way trip to Mars and never return.

Here’s a list of people I wouldn’t mind sending to Mars.

Lindsay Lohan. An easy one. Come on. I try to avoid everything mainstream and everything involving celebrity culture, yet even I know how Lindsay Lohan is doing at every waking hour. If a person has saturated world culture so much that I know about them, they are overexposed, far too mainstream, and earth no longer has a use for them.

Intern 2. Enough said.

Imagine Dragons. I listen to “It’s Time” several years ago and didn’t mind it, but I knew it was only a matter of time before this “indie” rock band went full on pop-rock-mainstream. And with only one album under their belt, they wasted NO time in selling out. Sure, if you count EP’s they have been around a little longer, but who cares. A sell out is a sell out.

Jimmy Fallon. When Jimmy Fallon faded into obscurity after SNL, I thought this was cosmic justice for ruining nearly every sketch with that smug giggle. You are paid to do one thing on that show, Jimmy. Stay in character and not laugh. Yet week after week, there he is, unable to contain his satisfaction with himself. Then somehow in recent years, Fallon has resurfaced, in a position that lets him act even MORE satisfied with himself. It’s preposterous.

Zach Braff. This has nothing to do with Scrubs, the most annoyingly chipper and sappy television show of all time, and more to do with the fact that Braff, who made millions of dollars on Scrubs, plus boatloads of money on syndication, felt the need to go to his fans to finance his new independent movie, because he didn’t want to do it through the studio system. Hey Zach, if you’ve got the money to pay for it yourself, don’t ask a bunch of people who are worth less than 1% of your savings account.

Myself. This would probably be the best answer. I hate all people. I loathe pop culture. I feel a gross taste in my mouth at just the thought of doing anything to help mankind. The more I write this, the more I think that maybe I’m the one who should be sent to Mars for good.