The 5 Essential Steps to Reaching True METALhood
Heavy Metal

Ugh. I have to get used to this blogging thing I guess. Anyways, I’ve been getting a lot of questions on how I reached, maintained, and expanded my own Metalhood. For all you amateurs, Metalhood is when you attain the highest state of metal possible. It’s like reaching Iron Maiden on a scale of Slipknot to Black Sabbath.

Lucky for you guys, I’m bored and I’m also being forced to write this like Metallica and Lou Reed were forced into making that awful album. I’m giving you all a handful of tips to reach my heralded level of metal. Handful! Get it?! Because I’m teaching you 5 steps…….and a hand has five fingers. And its full of secrets. Hah! Yeah. So focus on these and maybe you’ll become at least half as metal as I am.

1. Eat a balanced breakfast!

There’s no way to be truly metal eating tiny, wimpy ham sandwiches for lunch and butter and toast for breakfast. What’re you a sloth? You gotta load your plate up with stacks of meat! Those guys in the medieval times knew what was going on. They used to have feasts right BEFORE their actual feasts. (If you’re one of those vegetarians, uhhhhh use potatoes and tofu. And lots and lots of vegetables. My wife’s gonna kill me if I don’t say this.)

SUB-prise! This guy’s appetite has metal written all over it.

2. Have a set of Metal-approved words and phrases at your disposal!

If there’s something I’m sure of besides the fact that I force myself to forget all the shows my daughter insists are “soooooo amaze,” it’s that metal isn’t only a lifestyle, it’s a language! Don’t SAY your words, BELLOW them. Use words like awesometacular and radicazz to describe something great. Call your dog and cat BloodSlayer or HornCrusher. Don’t declare you’ll have leftovers, finish your entire dinner and scream NO SURVIVORS!!!! Cmon, people. It’s not a science.



God. No. Never. Can’t unsee this.

You’ve gotta look the look if you want to walk on my side of the street. Spiked or mohawked. Simple. Not complicated. Droopy, curled, straightened, braided, buzzed, dreadlocked, feathered, permed, frizzled, ponytailed pigtailed, lametailed, swept, balding, beehived, and bowl cutted haircuts are not permitted.

4. Fight a dragon (or an obstacle)!


Woah, buddy. Never gets old.

Any obstacle you might have whether it’s learning to ride a bike, practicing playing a new song, or challenging your parents to a game of Monopoly (very metal), do your best. Being metal is putting in 110% in whatever you do and never backing down. That feels so sentimental, I might throw up. Anyways, if you do find a dragon, fight it, tame it, and teach it to guard your realm of terror and horror………or your garage.

5. Repeat steps 1-4! Backwards!

Yeah. That’s pretty much it. I’ve made it pretty simple for you guys so there are no excuses! Even though these are only five ways to attain ultimate METALhood, there are thousands of other ways.

Let me know your ways of reaching this level of metal in the comments below.


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