When I was told I was going to be giving a review of Magna Carta, I couldn’t contain my excitement. Not only is it my 3rd favorite document (Maybe next year, W2 tax form!), but I can finally review something I actually know about!
What I found out was that this was either a well played trick by Idol to have me review something I have no clue about, again, or just a deceptive title. Regardless, they should have put a warning on the album that said it has absolutely nothing to do with the actual Magna Carta. Apparently, this album is made by some rapper named Jay-Z, who thinks he’s quite the historian. I can only tolerate more than 10 songs in a row from my favorite doo-wop group, Billy and the Normals, so I chose a portion of the album to listen.
So without further ado, I present my review of (Not the real) Magna Carta Holy Grail.
1. Holy Grail ft. Justin Timberlake
Wow, the beginning is not what I expected at all. This Justin Timberlake fellow may be hitting the notes a bit harder than I can usually handle, but the pianos around him are quite serene. Serene until the song begins going crazy with all sorts of noises of drums, crashing, and yelling. Yeesh! What is with this Jay-Z’s making unh noises? He sounds like he’s confused about something. No reference to the Magna Carta.
2. Picasso Baby
Another deceptive title. I may have understood about 2% of the lyrics, and I’m 100% sure my Aunt Beverly would not approve me saying them.
3. Tom Ford
When I saw the song title, I was expecting something daring and edgy, a Tom Jones vibe per say. Not even a second in and I regretted it. Next thing I know, it starts sounding less like a song and more like the office when Dubstep caught mono and I had to listen to his endless wheezing and wubzing.
Mr. Z declares that he’s good at math yet he counts from 1 million to 3 million and then skips to 20 million? Shameful! Still no reference to Magna Carta. More unh noises.
I’ve always imagined heaven to be a place with endless reams of paper, pens that never run out of ink, and edible piecharts (mmm Dewberry Diagram flavor please). Apparently, heaven here involves having the question “Have you ever been to heaven?” repeated to you over and over again. I understood what Mr. Z was saying slightly better this time, so I guess that’s a good thing. Slightly less unh noises.
6. BBC ft. Nas, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, and too many people
What is this?! This song is about as nerve wracking as an episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, and I’m pretty sure my blood pressure reached levels I didn’t know was possible. Too noisy.
THE BREAKDOWN+ The calm parts with the piano. + Reminded me of edible piecharts – Too noisy – Deceptive titles – I didn’t understand most of it.
2 pencil pouches out of 5